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  • Kay Fletcher

Control 08/10/2013

I feel the need to try and make sense of things, to find the time for me. I am my own worst enemy in this as I don’t find it easy to put myself first or to relax, to power down at any point in the day. I am absolutely useless at doing anything that starts with the directive ‘clear your mind’, not only can’t I empty it, my mind just doesn’t want to stop thinking, analysing, or working on something.

Yet everything I pick up to read at the moment seems to be telling me to ‘be in the moment’, meditate, relax, chill – this in itself seems to be making me more anxious. I feel like some kind of pitied outsider – I don’t seem to be ‘in touch’. In touch with what or whom though? With myself, with my family? What, or to where, is the journey? Is it, is there, a destination? Or is the journey the key? Key to what? Key to me? The key, or just key? One letter away from my name I note.

This concept of a journey – where am I getting this from? Do I feel like ‘a stranger in a strange land’? Does the past, my past, feel like ‘another country’? I recognise feelings of rootlessnes – where is my sense of belonging, of identity, of belief, of hope? What, or where are my dreams? And dare I dream them …? I feel I have had no plan so far in my life, no real sense of what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be. It feels as if I have made the decisions I have in reaction to people and events my life. I have had more of an idea of what I didn’t want it would seem.

I would like a meditation, relaxation epiphany – but sometimes I wonder if control is an issue in this for me. I know I need to actively pursue outcomes. I realise I am not patient with myself, or kind to myself, back to the concept of being my own worst enemy then! My unruly mind does turn quite readily to self-examination though and I am not new to self-awareness. It seems to be a natural part of my make-up and I value it greatly. However I need to listen to it, to make space for it and this is what I meant at the start of this ‘blog’ when I said I needed to find the time for me. I need to be able to listen to myself, and to really hear what I am saying, how I am feeling, and value it. Writing it down, that seems the best way for me – a journey in journaling then perhaps? Who knows …?

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