New Years Eve 31/12/2014
I feel as though I’m holding my breath – I feel unsure about this transition. What will change? What will get better? What will be ahead? What is to come? I feel on the cusp, on the brink. A pattern has been interrupted – the familiar put aside, I have been asked to stop and get ready to start again. But in this moment, this stillness, this taking stock, this moment before I take my next step, I feel unsure.
The New Year. It feels as though I cannot take up the old again, start where I left off, that even if I do nothing the world will have shifted, a new year ushered in – an ending and a new start, a beginning; 2014 no more. Trepidation then, I approach the New Year with it, wary, not wanting to rush in, trying to hold on to Christmas with half an eye on what is to come. I am scared of this interruption, this ‘new’ start. I feel like a wolf watching out for my pack, I am lying with my head on my paws patiently waiting, watching this interloper approach. It is not exactly a stranger but neither is it totally welcome.
What is this feeling about? Feeling stopped, and asked to pause, to get ready. But for what? Is it that I’ve had time to lift up my head and wonder what is ahead, that I see the time stretched out before me, the promise of a year ahead – hopefully. The pattern of the time ahead familiar, the bleak mid-Winter feel to January, a lighter relief with February and March, and then thankfully a Spring, growth, renewal – the warmth of a Summer sun, the freedom of Summer holidays, the excitement of Autumn bearing tangible witness to the turning of the year, the joyous preparations in Winter for a festive season. I can view it all from here, a framework, but not the detail, not the experiences contained within.
What then will this New Year hold? 2015. A line has been drawn under 2014 whether I like it or not, whether I am ready or not. January is on the way. The wolf in me gives a whine as I look to the old year, but as I turn to face the New Year a low growl gathers in my throat. I don’t know what is coming, what lies ahead and I don’t like it. The wolf in me is on guard. I feel sad leaving 2014, leaving behind the known. New Year – 2015, the space in this taking of a breath, this feeling of waiting, of trying to see ahead, of trying to get a sense of what I feel, of what I can feel. My wolf senses seem to be stretched taut. I am waiting.
Happy New Year.